My Life Is Not About Me: An Introduction

I can say with certainty that life is not about me, but I often live as though it is.

I believed that God was real ever since I was very little, but it was not until I was around 16 that I said to Jesus: There is no life worth living but a life lived for you.  Like most people, I didn't think very much about what it means to "give your life to Jesus," I just knew Jesus was it.  He called me, and I followed.  He opened my eyes to truth, and I believed.

But when I "gave my life to Jesus," I didn't realize what it would look like, and I must admit I still don't and probably never will fully know.  But of this I'm sure: giving all to Him meant giving ALL to Him.

So He is constantly teaching me what that looks like, and gently and gradually I am learning to give over parts of my life for His purpose, not mine.  Sure, I'm still a selfish human, but every selfish action and thought is running in direct contradiction to the truth- that I was created by a loving God for a purpose in his great plan.

And so I ask time and again for God to take my day and make it His, write His story with my life, and I know it will be much greater than I could ever write it.  We live in a world where we want to control everything, and when we have more control over our life, our circumstances, our finance, our future, the world sees us as more successful.  I've learned that it's all facade, that we never truly have control to begin with, and it has never been about me, or you, or any Tom, Dick, Harry, or Taylor Swift.  And thank God for that.

And although my stories are largely about me and my tiny experiences of life and God, I hope it is a window to a story much greater than my story.  I hope to make it not about me in the end.

Prayer Part III: Praying for Enemies

I haven't felt much like writing.

Honestly, with everything going on in the world, my thoughts and words feel incredibly small, but I should write anyway.

Like much of the world, I've been praying a lot for the Middle East and an end to the violence, terrorism, and horror of ISIS and Boko Haram.  And we pray for the victims, and the refugees, our troops, and the world leaders...

Lately, my prayers have also taken another turn.  In reflecting on the life of St. Paul, I am reminded that he was first Saul of Tarsus, a man who hunted down the Christians of his day with relentless fervor and hatred.  He stood by and watched and approved the crowds as they stoned Stephen to death, he dragged men, women, and children from their homes, and he did not stop at persecuting the innocent of Jerusalem but sought permission to bring his hunt to other cities as well.  Christians everywhere knew his name, and spoke about him with fear.  All this he did believing he was honoring God.

And then he met Jesus.

And Jesus taught Saul what a life of honoring God would truly look like.  Saul of Tarsus became Paul, and he traveled all over preaching the good news that he had fought to destroy- that Jesus is Lord and came to save us all.  A man so bloodthirsty and full of hatred was now a man who prayed and worked with a tireless love.

And with that in mind, Let us pray for our enemies, pray for radical transformation of those who are most filled with hatred.  Let us pray that some of the major leaders of ISIS, of Boko Haram, of other groups who are killing and torturing men, women, and children will meet Jesus and that their hearts will be altered forever.  I pray that those whom God chooses to change will be the ones he uses to change the world for his good plan.  I pray that the loudest voices of hatred become the brightest beacons of Christ's hope.  I pray that he changes Sauls into Pauls.  And that the world will watch and wonder at the powerful hand and relentless mercy of our God.

I pray for miracles that are only possible with the power of an Almighty and All-loving God.  Lord, we need miracles from your hand.

"The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it."  John 1:5

Prayer Part II: Life and Death and Baby Brothers

I interrupted her in the middle of her prayer.  "No, no, no.  I have to stop you," I told the teenage girl in front of me.  We had been talking about praying boldly, and after she told me some of the big prayers she had, I told her one of mine- that my brothers who profess there is no God will come to know Him and be transformed by Jesus.  So we decided to pray for one another's intentions.

"Dear God, I pray for Miss Lee's brothers that they will have faith.... But if they don't, that's okay too because it's their choice."

"No, no, no.  I have to stop you."

I have to admit, I've never stopped anyone's prayer before, and I've heard some strange prayers to tell you the truth.  But my brothers do not have faith in Jesus, and that's a life or death matter.  So I don't feel the need to be polite.  Sound dramatic?  If you think so, let me explain.  {Jesus is the way, the truth, and the life, and there is no way, truth, or life apart from him.  We are all sinners and the payment for sin is death, and only through Jesus are we saved from that death.}  In our culture today, those kind of absolute statements make us squirm, but I know Jesus is who he says he is and he is indeed the Savior of the world.

  I love my baby brothers too much to pray for anything other than for Jesus to save them.  If I knew they were about to walk in front of a train or pull the trigger of a gun pointed at their head, I would never say, "Please don't, but if you do, that's okay too because it's your choice."  I would beg for anyone, anyone to save them, and in this case, Jesus is the only one who can.  So I beg him.

But her prayer revealed something in my heart that I've been thinking about these past few days.  I stopped her from praying a timid prayer because those were my brothers she was talking about and I love them.  I pray for them, and my prayers will be bold and relentless, and I will not allow for anything less.  But what about everyone else?  Who is praying boldly and relentlessly for them?  Who loves them enough?

Maybe I need to pray for everyone like they are my baby brothers in a life or death situation.  Maybe all Christians need to pray like that.  Because if God is our Father, and life is found in Jesus, well, that might not be as far from the truth as one might think.

Jesus, reveal yourself, your love, and your truth to baby brothers.  Open their hearts to believe that you are Lord and you are risen.  Teach us to ask boldly.  Amen.

Acorns

I think about acorns every fall when they start raining from the trees.  Sometimes I pick one up in sheer wonder, "How does this end up being a giant oak tree?"  We study science and see a million acorns, and we shrug our shoulders, and we lose our wonder, but SERIOUSLY, those little acorns can become oak trees.  Not all acorns do.  In fact, most don't, but they are all potential oak trees and that is crazy to contemplate.

In 2012, a friend of mine believed for the first time that Jesus is truly God and her Savior.  It's an incredible experience to have and almost just as incredible to watch- a person meeting Jesus.  And it's one of those experiences you cannot even imagine what it's like until it happens, and then it's so exciting and even a little scary.  Just imagine (or remember) the God who created the entire universe and all that's within it down to the very last atom becoming real to you and having a relationship with you.  Amazing.  Exciting. Scary.

My friend hesitated in a moment of fear.  She was afraid of what she would need to change in her life, what she would need to give up.  Eventually, those fears gave way to love, but that moment she had stuck with me.

An acorn cannot become an oak tree without shedding its old shell to make room for what's to come.  After all, no way would an oak tree fit in an acorn.  In the same way, we must shed our old self, our dead self in order to make room for the new life.  They cannot coexist.  The old must go.  Jesus offers us freedom from that prison of sin and shame.  And just like the acorn, what we give up is nothing compared to how God will transform us as he makes us more like Jesus, more like the people he created us to be before sin and brokenness stood in the way.

Most acorns do not become trees, but becoming a tree seems like a much greater adventure.



"And by that will, we have been made holy through the sacrifice of the body of Jesus Christ once for all"
Hebrews 10:10

"But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions- it is by grace you have been saved."
Ephesians 2:4-5

Fingers in Holes

Interesting title... just for the record, I'm not talking about bowling or whatever else you might have thought of.  I am actually talking about... well, I guess I am about to explain that in a minute.

So as many of you may already know, Jesus had this close group of 12 followers called the Apostles.  I am not sure if this is NORMAL, but I have sometimes wondered what apostle I would most relate to if I was rolling with that crew back in Jerusalem.

Maybe there's a Buzzfeed quiz out there for that sort of thing.

But seriously, I realized this week which apostle I most relate to and was honestly surprised by my own answer.  You see, I am most like Thomas, better knows as Doubting Thomas, even though he does get a bad rep for being the "doubting one."

Here's Thomas' story:
"Now Thomas, (also known as Didymus), one of the Twelve, was not with the disciples when Jesus came.  So the other disciples told him, 'We have seen the Lord!'  But he said to them, 'Unless I see the nail marks in his hands and put my fingers where the nails were and put my hand into his side, I will not believe.'  A week later his disciples were in the house again, and Thomas was with them.  Though the doors were locked, Jesus came and stood among them and said, 'Peace be with you!'  Then he said to Thomas, 'Put your finger here; see my hands.  Reach out your hand and put it into my side.  Stop doubting and believe.'
Thomas said to him, 'My Lord and my God!'  Then Jesus told him, 'Because you have seen me, you have believed; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed."
(John 20:24-29)

This story always makes us modern-day believers smile a triumphant smile to ourselves, doesn't it?  We are BLESSED, those of us who have not seen and yet believe.  Jesus validates and applauds our faith.

But there's more to this story that we often forget about.

Jesus still showed up for Thomas.

Thomas desired to see and touch the risen Christ, to put his fingers in the nail marks and his hand into Jesus' wounds and Jesus shows up, telling Thomas to put his fingers in the holes and hand into his side.

Jesus loved Thomas and knew his heart.  He knew how Thomas was created, how he was wired, and Jesus shows up for him because he loves Thomas.  Thomas did not just want to hear a first-hand account of the living God; he wanted to experience it for himself.  Yes, there is something undoubtedly blessed about the faith of those who never see nor feel nor hear and yet still believe, but me, I'm wired more like Thomas.  Jesus knows this and he loves me.  I very rarely shrug my shoulders and accept things on blind faith- I need to seek God's face again and again until he shows up.  I want to see him and feel him and hear him.  My soul thirsts for this.  When it comes to a supernatural God and a supernatural faith, I want Jesus to show up.

God is teaching me to ask, to seek, to knock in faith.  Part of prayer is just our seeking more of God as he draws us near to him.  The more we see of Him, the less we desire lesser things.  He is what my heart longs for, and I would argue that Jesus is what your heart longs for even if you aren't sure of it.  So don't be afraid to ask him to show up.

And for the record, Thomas just wanted the gift that the other apostles were given, and we have a Father in heaven who delights in giving good gifts, especially his very Son to us.

St. Thomas, pray for us.

Sexuality, Gender, the Pope, and Jesus

As if I could really tackle this topic in a blog post... But here's a short reflection

A headline jumped out at me from cnn.com:
CNN Exclusive: Pope held private meeting with same-sex couple in U.S.

After reading the article, my heart rejoiced and my heart broke.  Here's why:

Why I rejoiced:

This was a headline.  A good one.  One about love.  How often do we get a good headline at the top of a news website?

Also, the news prints what sells.  People want to hear about the pope loving people.  People want to know a man who represents the real Jesus that we see in the Bible, whose mercy and love for the world led to a sacrifice for us all.

Why my heart broke:

For the same reason I rejoiced: this was a headline.  This small act was viewed as so extraordinary to the world that it made the news.  And my heart broke to think of how we, the Church have so failed to love an entire group of people, who are created by God.

If you didn't read the article, the Pope met with his former student, an openly gay atheist, and his partner.  The article mentioned multiple times the affection that the pope bestowed upon the men, including phrases such as "warm hug" and "kisses them on the cheek."  The writer found it necessary to emphasize to his audience that the pope not only met with the couple but embraced each man with love.

I do not believe that the Church hates gay people.  The Church is the people of God, and as part of the Church, I do not hate gay people.  Each person is created in the image and likeness of God, regardless of sexual attraction.  Someone who is gay is not a lesser person in the eyes of God. But much of the world thinks the Church hates gay people, and I think we as Christians need to take some ownership of that.  We are entrusted with being ambassadors, representatives of Jesus, and if we fail to witness who Jesus is to the world, we have failed our mission.  

Our love must speak louder.

Who is Jesus?

Jesus is God.  He is the Savior of the world.  He came to heal the sick.  He came to save the sinners.  He came to carry home the lost.  He came to save us- we are the sinners, we are the sick, we are the lost.

"When the Pharisees saw him eating with the sinners and the tax collectors, they asked his disciples: 'Why does he eat with tax collectors and sinners?'  On hearing this, Jesus said to them, 'It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick.  I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners."  Mark 2:16-17

When Jesus walked the earth in the flesh, he ate with those people who were on the margins, those who were rejected by the religious people.  In Jewish customs, eating with such people made a person "ceremonially unclean."  In this passage, Jesus is eating at the home of Levi, a tax collector.  By name, he should have been a priest in the temple, but instead chose a more lucrative path- being a tax collector for the Roman Empire, a traitor to his people.  Tax collectors were known to be greedy, overcharging poor people and pocketing the money.  But Jesus embraces him, and Levi, after his life is forever changed by God, eventually becomes Matthew, one of the twelve apostles, someone God used to change the world and spread his message of love and forgiveness. 

The pope embraces his former student, and in that act welcomes a man who has felt rejected and marginalized by the religious people of our day.  The act is so radical that it makes headlines, but that is the love of Jesus.  Jesus still embraces and loves and calls those on the margins.  We are all people. We are all sinners.  And God so loved us, that he came to die for us so that we might know him and share in his love forever.

Prayer Part I: What We Fear Most

A couple weeks ago, I was surrounded by people singing about Jesus, and I heard in my heart a voice whisper, "your prayers are too small."  It called to me like a beckoning, a wink, an invitation into a world I rarely venture.  In light of who God is, who He says He is, and who I say I believe He is, my prayers are too small.

I actually don't think my prayers could ever be too big for God.  So why don't I pray as if I believe that?

I'm afraid.

Although in the past five years God is driving out all fear, I'm often afraid to pray big and dream big with God.  I'm afraid to pray for complete healing and I instead settle for prayers of disease management.  I'm afraid to pray for complete transformation of the hearts of the people around me, of toxic situations I witness, of the evil that I see in the headlines, and instead I pray using nondescript and comforting words.  I pray for better but not for best.  I pray for improvement but not for total redemption.  I tack on "if it is your will" to prayers not just because I desire God's will be done but as a little insurance statement.  Sometimes I pray like I don't expect God will act.

Why am I afraid?

Because what if I begin  praying prayers big enough that if God were to answer them, no one could deny it was anything or anyone but God?  What if we asked for the kingdom to come?  What if we asked for his miracles?  What if we asked for our world to be transformed?  What if instead of asking for help walking in the sand, we asked to walk on water?

But what if I ask in great faith for God to do the impossible, and he doesn't?  What then?  Would my faith be shaken?  Would the faith of those around me crumble?  And so I shrink in fear and pray safe prayers and settle for management instead of begging for healing.  But he WANTS us to ask and INVITES us to ask and whispers to our hearts: "your prayers are too small."

"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work win us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever! Amen."
Ephesians 3:20-21

Image of God

From the top of Mount Washington we saw nothing.  White fog formed a wall around us at the peak, and I could only just see the outline of one of my brothers 10 feet away.  So then, into the white veil we made our descent.  And as we began our hike down, winds began to blow the fog across the mountain so that the ground rose up before us.  Then finally, the veil swept aside and we had our full view of the mountain and the valley.

We stopped.
Awestruck.

And in my heart I wondered, if I spread my arms wide enough, would the wind take me soaring?  How beautiful and marvelous are the works of your hands, Lord.

Moments like this bring me back to one morning when I was 19.  As I beheld the Grand Canyon for the first time.  The canyon appeared piece by piece in a tremendous pink and gold revealing at sunrise, and I had declared that day that it was the most spiritual experience of God in my 19 years.

Throughout my life, few things draw me to praise God and fill me with awe of the Creator like being surrounded by the beauty of his creation.  Whether it is the view from a mountain, a hawk in flight, a thundering waterfall, or a field of wildflowers, the natural world is the art of the Great Artist and a reminder that God is infinite and beautiful and powerful.

This summer, as I beheld the mountain view, I couldn't help but reflect on one truth, however.  Of all the amazing works of God's hands, one creation is set apart.  Only one creation is made in the image and likeness of God himself- human beings.  We bear His very image.

Why, then, do I stand in awe of God when beholding his mountains or oceans or sunrises,  yet I rarely stop to praise God when there is a person in front of me?  Why am I so slow to see the image of God that is imprinted on this very human God loves?  Shouldn't the magnitude of that truth stop me in my tracks and draw my heart to overflowing praise of the God who created them?  Maybe seeing the image of God in the human standing before us is where loving them begins.  Lord, let us see your image made visible.

Dear Reader

I'm back.  And here's why.

I began writing when I was 5 years old.
For ten years or so, if you asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I would confidently say, "a writer."  But sometime in high school, someone made me believe that wasn't practical or profitable or real, and so I forgot about my childhood dream entirely.

About 6 years ago, a man I had never met before with a gift of prayer and prophecy and healing prayed over me and then asked, "Do you write?"  I was confused.  Well no, not really, I thought, but somehow I felt I should have a different answer. "God wants you to write," he told me.  That night, I rolled those words around my head thoughtfully as I fell asleep.

Still, I didn't write.  Not for years.  Sure, occasionally I would scribble some thoughts in a journal, but that was all.  Then, in light of the amazing story in Haiti that God had allowed me to take part, I began this blog because His love is for us all, and He wants me to write about it.

I took this blog offline about 8 months ago after someone had read every post and concluded that I deserved all credit and glory for the words it contained.  The distortion of it all and the damage it caused made me retreat into a hole.  Therefore, please take note:

Almost 25 years ago, God gave a little girl the dream of being a writer, and He wishes to use her pen to tell others about His great love story for the world.  This is why I write.  I am no one extraordinary, just an ordinary woman who is loved by an extraordinary God.  Any shred of truth you find here is not my own.  It belongs to the God I serve who chooses to speak to my heart.  All wisdom and insight and goodness and glory belongs to the God who created the universe and knows every heartbeat.  I am human, so what you find here is far from perfect.  Weigh it, test it, forgive my failings, but most importantly, praise the Lord and the Lord alone for all that is good.