I often write blog posts when I've emerged from the struggle by God's gentle hand. When the Lord has taught me something precious or important, when the mess subsides, and I hold His gift in my hand like a treasure.
But I got to be honest, this is not one of those blog posts. I have not emerged from the struggle. I keep telling myself to relax my jaw as I am writing this. I keep praying (and reminding myself) "Jesus, I trust in You." But even in this season of uncertainty, God is still teaching me about who He is and what He is doing.
I've been praying through the decision to leave my job. Apparently that meant my neck had to freeze up for a couple months. Some days I had to twist at the waist when I was approaching an intersection because turning my head would send shooting pain down my neck and back. Sleeping has been a project of pillows and propping and angles.
A few weeks ago, I decided to cash in a gift certificate for a massage.
Let's say, for this story, that my massage therapist's name was Rick. I didn't even need to tell Rick what was wrong with me. He could feel it in my back, in my neck, the tension, the tightness, the knots, the parts that aggravated me the most. The stress. Apparently my body could tell the story.
Rick would bend my neck so that my ear was moving toward my shoulder, while his hand put pressure on my other shoulder, elongating, stretching. It hurt! I'm not sure why I thought a massage would be relaxing because it wasn't. It was painful with only brief moments of relief.
As he pushed my ear toward my shoulder, I realized I was resisting this, making his job harder. I was pushing back against his hand, fighting against his pushing and stretching of my neck. It felt instinctual, to resist someone causing pain. I feared getting hurt worse than I already was. I didn't know this man, his record, his credentials. I was putting a lot of trust that he knew what he was doing with my body. I had to talk myself into letting my neck and shoulders be moved as Rick moved them, stretched as Rick stretched them. I prayed and I stopped fighting.
I was reminded later of this experience and how it was a physical picture of what God seems to be doing in my life right now. I can feel God stretching me in parts of my life and parts of my faith like he has never before. I am stepping into the unknown with more questions than answers.
When I first thought God might be calling me to this, I pushed against it in fear and pain and self-protection. In the past year, I've felt let down and heartbroken, and weary and hurt. I was afraid to feel even more vulnerable, even more pain. I was sure if God tried to stretch me now, my neck might snap. So I held my neck up in resistance to His hand.
But the difference between massage therapist Rick and God is that I know enough about God to trust Him completely. Why is it still so difficult? Why do I resist His work in me?
Still, I know that if massage-hands-Ricky can know what my neck needs without me saying a word, the God who created me and holds all wisdom surely knows what I need. He is infinitely good. He loves me as His daughter. He is all-powerful and in control. He is faithful. I know His credentials, and I have no reason to fear. So I can let him stretch me, mold me, shape me, change me. I can surrender. I can walk forward in faith even though I cannot see what lies ahead. He offers us this freedom!
Any pain in the process is for my good. He is just working out the knots.
Let our lives be in Your hands Lord. And there is no better place to be.
Does the clay say to the potter, 'What are you making?'
Isaiah 45:9
