Top Ten Firsts of 2016

So if I am being honest, 2016 was a difficult year.  Friends and family lost their children.  The nation and world saw violence and hatred, terrorism and division.  Even so,  I believe that there is hope, and I look forward to a new year.  Bring it on 2017.

I am not very good at New Year's Resolutions, so I made a resolution once to give them up.  Most successful New Years resolution I have ever made!

For the past few New Years Eves, I have instead made a bucket list for the coming year.  It has been an exciting encouragement to try new things, learn new skills, and visit new places.  It gives me an opportunity to dream with God about some of the new things he has for me.  What I have learned is he has so much more than I can imagine.  I realized that 2016 was a year of many firsts for me, and I decided to pick the top ten firsts of this year and give thanks to God for them.  (Some that didn't quite make the list include: first time planting a coconut tree, first visit to Arkansas, and first time on a stand up paddleboard.)

You don't have to read this whole post, but feel free to browse the photos!

Top Ten Firsts of 2016

#10
First time setting a Christmas tree on fire.

My brother and niece watching the blaze.

Best bonfire and another moment spent enjoying the outdoors with my first best friend and partner in adventure, my brother Mike.

#9
First time two-stepping with a stranger.

  

Cute newborn piglets at the Houston rodeo

A handsome stranger too.  It was also my first time at a Texas rodeo, Houston rodeo with Kenny Chesney as the performer.  I owe the memorable and very-Texas experience to my friend Karen Crawford, who truly has a heart the size of her state.

#8
First etsy shop.

Making wooden signs with my assistant artisan.

In the spring, I assigned one of my seniors a fourth quarter project of creating her own Etsy shop.  So, in order to teach it, I created one too.  It isn't very lucrative, but it has been a great way to keep me in touch with an important part of how God created me- a maker and artist.

#7
First film festival.

   

There is arguably no bigger movie fan and critic than my brother Kevin.  So when visiting him in Texas this year, we checked out Austin's South by Southwest (SXSW) film festival.  We saw some famous actors walking about, attended the first public showing of "Keanu," saw street performers and movie fans from across the globe as we roamed the city, and because of Daylight Savings, got back to our hotel around 4AM.


#6
First time outside rock climbing.

This was on my 2016 bucket list!  I went twice, but my first time was with my niece.  I think it was her first climb outside too!

#5
First blind date.

 

Nothing like having some risk in my love life.  This year, I went on my first true blind date.  I walked into a restaurant knowing his height and hair color.  Overall the night was a pleasant surprise, and it was a fun adventure.



#4
First sunrise summit.

This is one of the best memories of my life.  My sister Michelle and I hiked in the dark one summer morning and made it to the top of Mount Monadnock to see the perfect sunrise.  If you know me, you know that there is no greater cathedral that makes me stand in awe of the Creator than the beautiful work he created.  And more perfect than an orchestra beginning a great piece, the day began with the first signs of pink glow on the dark edge of horizon.  I have seen many sunrises, but not sitting atop the world.  "Then sings my soul, my Savior God to Thee, how great Thou art.  How great Thou art."

#3
First time leaving a job without a plan.

 

This doesn't seem like it should make a top ten, but it holds #3 because God is continually teaching me about trusting him, living by faith, and allowing Him to write my story.  I do not know what comes next, but I trust a God who is infinitely good and who loves me completely.



#2
First snowmobile ride in order to ski backcountry powder.

This year, I spent  some of my spring break visiting my cousin Joseph in Colorado.  My favorite part of the trip was riding up on snowmobiles in order to ski some untouched snow.  The feeling of floating through powder is UNREAL and getting to go on an adventure with my cousin, the closest thing to having a big brother, made it even better.

 

#1
And my favorite FIRST of 2016 is....

First nephew.

 

Connor William Lee was born this year, and I am so grateful to get to know my first nephew.  During his first year of life, Connor had a scary infection that brought him to Children's hospital.  As we prayed for his life and cried out to God, I learned that it is only by God's hand and his mercy that life is sustained.  We live in a sick and broken and dying world, and God, and God alone is the life-giver.  Life is a gift, and I am grateful for the little life of Connor.  He is already holding his own in the midst of a very strong Lee girl tribe.  At 9 months, he is walking and yelling and trying to keep up.

Here's to the new! 

Two Nights in a Monastery

Last month, I spent two nights at a Benedictine monastery.  Someone reacted with: "Why would you do that to yourself?"  Apparently, not everyone thinks hanging out at a monastery sounds like a good time.  I took a much needed spiritual retreat, alone, and it was wonderful.  WONDERFUL.  To run down farmland hills and hike through the woods to a stone chapel and drink coffee in view of the mountains is all medicine to my soul.  But the best part was when my racing gerbil-wheel thoughts finally ebbed away, and I could be alone with God, contemplate how good and marvelous and big he is, and know his peace.  I was reminded that life is not about me, that it is God's epic story we are living.

In this year that God has given me for rest, I have done a mediocre job of being restful.  So after months of declaring that I need a retreat, I finally followed through.  I was aching for time alone for prayer and depth and quiet, and I needed to physically pull myself out of my environment, put my phone on airplane mode, and be alone.

At the door of the stone chapel in the woods.

Two things I learned:

1.  In Jesus, all things hold together.  I sat on the hill under perfect blue skies looking out to the mountains in the afternoon.  By the time the sun set, the sky was almost covered, brushed across with purple-gray clouds.  The cloudless sunny day had begun to look stormy in a very short time.  But everything in my tiny spot on earth was created by and held together by God himself.  Multiply that by every tiny spot on the globe.  He knows every sparrow that falls to the ground.  He knows how many hairs are on my head.  God is much much bigger than I usually allow myself to think.  How can I worry?  Why do I fear?  When my life changes from blue skies to stormy, do I not know God is in just as much control?  And (what I need to ask myself daily) why do I think for a moment that this life is about me?  I'm so tiny!

2.  "They lack nothing."  I shared this with a few people last month, but while praying for the group of Catholic monks who live at the monastery, that sentence burned in my heart.  I looked at their lives that so obviously lacked many things we think we need.  They each take a vow of poverty, chastity, and obedience.  They live with few possessions.  They will never marry or enjoy sexual intimacy.  They do not come and go and choose as they please.  Yet, they have declared that Jesus is sufficient.  Indeed, He is, and they lack nothing.  The most well-known Psalm begins, "The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want."  Even some translations say, "I lack nothing."

Although I know in my head that God is enough, and can quote scripture that says so, sometimes I do not feel that way.  Sometimes I act as though he is not sufficient.  And for the single girl, to see this group of men called to lifelong singleness, living and loving in a community of faith, and declaring with their lives: God is sufficient, well, it made my heart soar because I knew with my whole being that it was true.  Because in Christ, I lack nothing.  To live for him is the greatest joy and fulfillment possible, and I was grateful to be refreshed in the mission and adventure that is this life with Him.

If you read this, and you are thinking that you need a retreat, do it!  I believe God is calling many of us, beckoning, "Spend time with me."  Some of you have babies and two nights away is not possible.  Carve out an hour.  I encourage you to unplug.  It is amazing how much our technology contributes to our racing thoughts.

Sometimes I complain that I talk and talk and talk and God isn't answering.  Maybe I need to be quiet, be still, and listen more.  I busy myself when I suffer from a fear of missing out, but after my stay at the monastery, I wonder if maybe I'm missing out on much much more.

Auntie

When I was almost 12, my Auntie Liz became a mom.  My cousin Jen was born, and one of my favorite people began the journey as a mother after almost 20 years of being an auntie first.

My mother is the youngest of 6 girls, so let's just say I have a lot of aunties.  And in my world, it also means that I have had the privilege to grow up around strong, beautiful, courageous, and loving women my entire life.  But I only REMEMBER one auntie being an auntie and not yet a mom, and there is something special about having an auntie like that.

Now that I am an auntie who hopes God will allow me to be a mother someday, I feel like I understand it all a little more.  Being an auntie is something that brings me far more joy than it ever does heartache. I think back to all my memories of my Auntie Liz visiting us.  I remember once, one of my cousins confiding in me, telling me that Auntie Liz was her favorite auntie.  "You can't have a favorite," I told her, but I understood that aunties who were not moms yet always had free hands to hold and adventures to share and presents to give.  And even if I didn't have a favorite, it was still something special.

I remember as a teenager telling a friend that I think it is better to become an auntie before becoming a mom,  I remember trying to express how special I thought it was.   "That won't be me though.  I will probably be the first to have kids."  I am pretty sure that in the moment I said that, I was recalling the mental picture of my brother Mike sitting and farting on my other siblings.  I reflected silently that Mike was probably too immature to get married and have kids for a long long LONG time.  But teenage brothers do grow up, and God often surprises us.

So this is my ode to being an auntie first.  A gift I wished for and never thought I would get.  I learn new things everyday.  I admire my brother and my sister who have gone before into the world of parenting, and watch as they grow into the brave, strong, and beautiful father and mother they were created to be.  And perhaps my favorite part of being an auntie is knowing the newest and smallest people in my life, who remind me not to take myself too seriously, to stop to pick up an acorn long enough to marvel at it, that I'm not too old to make a snow angel in the first inch of snow, and that the world is full of small miracles if I only take some time to look.

I Could Use Some Advice

These past few months have seemed to be categorized best by one tiny bit of text:

?

Yup.  A question mark.

And lately I have felt like banging my head against a wall.

And the more I try to answer the questions, the more questions I have.  The one question-mark in my brain keeps reproducing question-marks that reproduce more question-marks.  Multiplying like bunnies.

I think it is normal as humans to want answers.  When we persist in question marks, it feels like when the chairlift stops for a very long time and you are left with your ski-laden feet hanging midair.  At first, the ride on the chairlift felt liberating, but now you feel stuck and suspended in space and time.  Your ankles and knees throb, and you long to be on solid ground again.

Sometimes, when I am feeling like I need answers, I shoot a text to someone for advice or sit and talk with someone or google different things. Jobs, schools, dating advice, budgets, internships, tips, stories, blogs, lists, reviews, etc. etc.  I am searching for the answers to my questions in so many places, holding to good shreds of advice and tossing out bad bits.

But what is hilarious to me is that I know someone who knows every single answer to every single question, and not just the generic questions but the questions pertaining to Erica Lee and the chairlift she thinks isn't moving. AND I still sometimes avoid asking him.  Or I ask him last.  Or I assume he won't answer.

So I resort to all my other resources to get their best guesses instead of the answers.
It takes me so long to just go to God with my questions sometimes.

Does anyone else do that?  Would we think it was silly if we asked everyone else besides the expert in the room?  But I do that constantly.

And so, this week I want to bring all my questions directly to the source of all wisdom everyday.  Spend some time listening.  Praise him regardless.  If I ask you for advice, will you point me to him?  Will you remind me that he doesn't always answer when I think he should?

God, you are my father in heaven who knows all the answers.  You know all of me and who you created me to be, and you love me.  You know every why and every because.  You see my whole life.  You ask me to trust you when I don't get an answer right away, but you also ask me to ask you, to come to you and come to you first.  You tell me there is humility in not knowing.  But I have such little faith.  Increase my faith.

Give Thanks

My heart is full after a day of family and good things, and it is easy to feel grateful.

But let's be honest, my heart does not always feel so full.
Sometimes when I struggle to feel happy, this tiny part of a song plays in my head:

"A thankful heart is a happy heart."

I heard it on Veggie Tales a few times.  Very simple.  Childlike simplicity.  Still, I oftentimes forget the truth it proclaims, and I see many adults forgetting as well.  Being thankful produces joy in us.

I always love Thanksgiving as a holiday, and it reminds me that I am called to give thanks every day.  God's Word actually tells us: "Give thanks" like a direction or command.  And although it might produce joy in me, the reason we give thanks is not primarily for our benefit but because God is God.  He is good.  He is love.  He is the giver of all good things.

Giving thanks takes the focus off of us and fixes our eyes on Jesus.  When we forget ourselves and look to him, we know his joy.

"Give thanks to the Lord for he is good.  His love endures forever."
Psalm 118:1

Happy Thanksgiving.

I Will Give You Rest

I watched my friend stand outside the closed door.  She leaned the side of her head toward the door, listening.  I could hear the muffled crying of her two-year-old daughter on the other side.

"I know you want to play, but now it is time to rest.  Close your eyes and rest your body.  You can play later."

As my friend walked back calmly to the kitchen table, I was taking mental notes.  I am always surrounded by moms, and I am always taking notes.

Less than ten minutes passed when the crying stopped.  My friend opened the door to see a sleeping girl lying in her bed, limbs flung out, bangs plastered to her forehead.  She had fought the nap, and the nap won.

I oftentimes shake my head and laugh at little kids who fight so hard against the one thing they need at the moment- REST.  I also sigh and think about how much I love to sleep.  I usually can't wait to sleep.  And if life allows for a nap, you can bet that I'm taking one.

But I'm not good at resting, REALLY resting.  For most of my life I have prided myself in what I do, accomplish, join, volunteer, work at, and participate in.  I fill up my schedule constantly.  Every bit of time.  I overcommit and underestimate how long everything takes.

In the past three years, God has been teaching me about rest.  He has revealed my idolatry of work and activity.  In 2013, I had reached such a point of exhaustion that I used to think sometimes, maybe I will fall asleep tonight and never wake up.  When God started working in me, he started with something as old as creation itself, resting on the seventh day, the Sabbath.

I share this all with you because I believe many of us are missing out.  God commands us to rest--- for his glory, but also for our good, for our joy, and for the work we do.  We often do not like the word obedience, but we are called to be obedient because God is a good father and he knows what we need.  My friend knew her daughter needed a nap even though the two-year-old insisted otherwise.  Oftentimes, we are the same, fighting against what we need, what will bring us joy.

I do not think God's command to rest looks the same in your life as it does in mine, but I think we are meant to take it to heart.

In the fall of 2013, I knew God was calling me to stop working on Sundays.  I knew that I had spent my entire life ignoring God's command to keep the sabbath holy, or set apart for God.  It had been a blind spot, and God was finally calling it out at the most inconvenient time.  I was in my last year of graduate school, while working at a boarding school.  My actual work hours ranged from 50-80 hours per week plus additional hours for planning lessons and hours of schoolwork to finish my degree.  Not doing any work on Sunday seemed IMPOSSIBLE to me.  I already felt like I was barely keeping myself from drowning.  How could I cut out an entire day?

When it comes to obeying God, it isn't up to us to work out the future.  We are called to be faithful to what he asks of us even if it seems impossible.  So I made the decision to rest on the sabbath no matter what.  In the busiest year of my life, God called me to trust him.  He could have chosen any year, but he chose the year that would require the most faith and in the end would cause me to say, "Only God could have made it all possible."

Some weeks I felt like a two year old fighting at nap time, but each Sunday I praised God that he had given me exactly what I needed.  I began to look forward to Sunday as the treasure of my week.  One of the greatest lessons I learned is that when we commit an area of our lives to the Lord, he makes it possible.  In the past few years, I have been learning to be a better listener.  A listener to others and a listener for God's voice.  I stopped making to-do lists in my head while spending time with family and friends.  I learned to be better at self-discipline, self-control, productivity.  I've taken many more walks on the shore and in the forest.  God has deepened my understanding of prayer, of worship, of purpose.  And the work always got done in six days.  I did not drown after all.

I've also learned that at the beginning of such an endeavor, there will always be reasons not to follow through.  It's easy to say, "not this week."  But a pastor once spoke about making the pre-decision to be faithful to God's commandments.  Pre-decide that Sunday belongs to God and belongs to rest, and pray for the ability to follow through.

In case it is not clear, I share this not to any way say that we are saved by what we do for the Jesus.  We are not saved by our obedience to the "rules."  It does not add gold stars to our name in heaven.  We are saved and made worthy because Jesus died for us.  This is about finding a treasure, and hoping others find it too.  Like I said earlier, God gives us commands because he loves us and he desires what is good for us.  Honoring the Sabbath is a gift for us, a gift that has altered my life.  Jesus said, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." (Matthew 11:28). He offers you rest.  Go to him.

Politics... And Jesus Of Course

I wanted to write about anything but politics but cannot seem to leave such a gaping hole.

I'll try to be brief.  (Like that has ever happened...)

I am often amazed at just how many intelligent and kind people are in my life.  It is overwhelming.  Sometimes I think the second best thing about my wedding (or my funeral) someday will be getting all those people in the same room.

These same people are EVERYWHERE on the political spectrum, and one of the greatest gifts of my life is having the opportunity to listen to people, really listen to people.  If we only surround ourselves with people who think like us, we lose the opportunity to grow, to challenge our assumptions, to deepen our understanding.  I do not agree with all of the opinions and choices they made in regards to the election, but I can at least see how an intelligent and kind person could vote the way they did.  I can understand why a follower of Jesus could vote the way they did in their best attempt to honor God.

So I dare myself and each person reading this to do more listening this week than talking.

...
But I want to offer some caution to my Christian friends and family because of what I keep seeing and hearing.  Sometimes in an attempt to rationalize our vote for Trump or Clinton, we tend to minimize or ignore or refuse to believe what a person has done, said, and lied about.  In our personal lives we know that what a person does and says without remorse is a window to their character and who and what they care about.  Christians- Trump is not your man.  And Clinton is not your woman.  Most of us would agree to that, but in an attempt to defend yourself or speak against a candidate, do not make the other into a saint or a champion for what we stand for.  That is foolishness, and it communicates to the world that the message of the Church is opposite to the Gospel of Jesus Christ.  Neither person stands for us.  Why does this matter?  Because the world looks at the Christian to see if we indeed follow Christ.

I mourned this week with those who mourn, but I would have mourned regardless of the outcome.  I have been mourning since the start of this year.  America, we were once masquerading as a Christian nation, but the mask has come off.  We have reaped what we have sown, and this year has shown how ugly things are.  So much uglier than I had ever thought and so much deeper than a mere presidential election.  But I thank God still for my home and pray that we will repent as a people and seek God and unity.  Though human efforts, human governments, princes and presidents will fail us, God is the everlasting God and he will never fail us.

God bless America, please.

49=49

49=49

This is a post about value.

This is a post about human life.

A friend of mine just lost her newborn baby.
Another friend is spending his days with his mom in hospice.
All of a sudden life seems fragile and death is real.

And death, and the void, the hole, that it leaves behind, stands as a heartbreaking reminder of the value of a life.  That behind the numbers are humans, heartbeats, people.

I claim to be pro-life.
That term has been so hijacked by the political world so I want you to hear what I'm actually saying before you assume what I stand for.  I say that I claim to be because sometimes I feel like I fall so hopelessly short.
Pro-life is... Knowing that each life has value from the moment of conception until natural death.
The value of a life is not for me to give, not for you to give, and not for the law to give, but has been given by the Creator.  He created us in his own image and likeness- each life.

But as I watch the news or hear a story, I know in my heart that I do not value each life as God does because sometimes it is just a number to me.

Dear Orlando,
49 lives = 49 lives
Let me not just see a number.
I'm sorry this has taken months to write this down.
My friend hung up the photo on the fridge of the 49 men and women murdered at Pulse for 2 months, and every week I was reminded that behind the number are 49 faces.  49 lives with 49 families, 49 sets of hopes, 49 sets of heartache too.  49 people created by God.  49 people prayed for and mourned for.

Still with all I know and believe, I struggle to value each human life.   I know that sounds awful but I'm just being honest.  With all of the death and suffering that litters our news, I notice that I struggle against my tendency to assign arbitrary and unequal value to life.  I find myself valuing lives of people who are most like me.  I hate even admitting to myself that my heart is that ugly.  Do I not mourn  over  the death of an American more than the nameless refugee?

"Are not two sparrows sold for a penny?  And not one of them will fall to the ground apart from your Father.  But even the hairs of your head are all numbered.  Fear not, therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows."           Matthew 10:29-31

And so I declare value, that 49=49, even as I struggle, and ask God to help me see each person as a person, with equal value and dignity.  Jesus, help me stand for life.  Teach me to mourn, to serve, to love, to build.

49 mothers killed by cancer
= 49 people shot in a gay nightclub in Orlando

=49 unborn babies aborted in the next half hour
= 49 babies who die as their mothers hold them

= 49 Syrian men and women beheaded brutally
= 49 young men and women killed by drug overdose

= 49 people dying of AIDS in Botswana
= 49 people dying of heart disease in Massachusetts

= 49 names of soldiers killed in war
= 49 people whose nameless bodies are in a mass grave

=49 pregnant women in crisis without support
= 49 people after a hurricane without a home

= 49 adults with autism in a group home
= 49 doctors and lawyers and researchers

= 49 black people killed by police
= 49 police officers

= 49 orphans sleeping on a concrete floor tonight
= 49 of my own family

Lord I know you see the value.  You see 49.
Whether or not we are wanted by others, whether or not we are accepted in the churches, whether or not anyone will miss us or remember us when we die, whether or not we have a voice.
You value each life,
And may you open my eyes and heart to do the same.

49=49

My Single Anniversary

Today marks six years of being single. I'm sure it goes without saying, but this day brings some conflicting emotions. I wouldn't ordinarily keep track, but it happens to coincide with Halloween.  Six years ago, I made one of the most difficult decisions of my life and ended a six year relationship.

If you told me I would be single for the next six years, I might have hoped the world would come to an end first.  Just rapture me.  I can be pretty dramatic.  After all, my heartache is small in a world full of people suffering.

Still, this is one of the reasons why God doesn't give you a play-by-play of what comes next.  (Even though I oftentimes wish he would).  He gives you what you need for today, and he teaches us to trust him.

Honestly, I never would have chosen this.  In fact, I was aching to get married and have a family over six years ago, and I still am.  Looking back, however, I would not change it.  Sometimes God needs to get us alone to make us into who he created us to be.  Sometimes he uses our years of longing to draw us to himself.  And I wouldn't trade it because it is God's story that he is writing, and God writes great stories.

I used to listen to the band U2 a lot while I was growing up, and my favorite song of theirs is "All I Want is You."  Recently, I put that song on:

You say
You want
Diamonds on a ring of gold
You say
You want
Your story to remain untold
But all the promises we make
From the cradle to the grave
When all
I want
Is you.

And I'm always surprised when God speaks to me at times when I least expect it, but in that moment when the song began I knew something.  That in those words was something true that Jesus has been showing me all along.

As humans we are often filled with longing.  I know that for me, I have moments of peace and contentment and stretches of longing and waiting and wanting and fighting to be content in all circumstances.  And in the trusting and longing and waiting, Jesus continues to meet me.  I know that it is through my story that God will make himself and his love known to the people around me.  But what is so unbelievable, it is through this story that he has made so clear that He wants me.  He knows what I say I want, (so many things! and oftentimes "a diamond on a ring of gold" and the man to go with it), but he echoes and repeats that what he wants is me.  And in the end, he desires for me whatever will bring me back to him.

And I share that because maybe you don't know or maybe you have forgotten that He wants you.  At all and any cost, he wants you.  You might want a dozen things: happiness, freedom, love, acceptance, financial stability, healing, comfort, companionship, change, adventure, and maybe God is even one of those desires.  But he wants you.

I loved this song as a teenager because I dreamt of a day when despite all the things I want and want to be and fall short of, amidst all my racing thoughts and jumbled words and promises, someone might hold my shoulders and say, "I know.  I know all this about you.  And I want you."

In six years Jesus has continued to grab me by the shoulders and say just that.  Yes, I still desire to get married and believe that I am called to marriage, but the first and greatest love story of my life is and always will be when the God who created the universe called me his.  Jesus came to suffer and die, and he cried out from the cross with thirst because he wants us and loves us more than we can imagine.

I stood on the edge and peered into his love and I can't see the bottom.  That scares me a little.  It's not containable, it can't be outlined, it's not confine-able.  It's not even full knowable.  And me, well, I've always been a little afraid of very deep water.

"And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord's people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ."
Ephesians 3:17-18

Splinters and Nails

"Did you get a splinter?"
I waited for him to move his hand toward me, showing two splinters embedded into his palm.  He gingerly cradled his hand into his body as a giant tear rolled down his cheek.  He was two and a half with two splinters and very sad about it.

I sighed.  This little boy (let's call him Charlie) choked back a sob.

"I need to take the splinters out so you can feel better," I said calmly, concealing some tweezers, and I felt a little sad too.  He let out a wail with more tears and turned away from me.  Okay.  This was not going to be so easy.  I continued to coax, but he only cried louder and kept his body turned away from me.

Time to text his mom.  She suggested I start with asking Charlie to soak his hand in warm water.

It sounded good in theory.  Charlie looked at the bowl like it contained flesh-eating acid and wailed "No."  He moved further away, keeping his back to me, sobbing louder and holding his hand.  He kept shuffling until he was in a corner of the room

I was reminded of this time I got a piece of a finishing nail embedded in my toe.  I wish I could say that I responded more logically than a two year old, but that was not the case.  I had been working on a home improvement project barefoot (which I don't recommend) and walked into a nail.  If you thought that was a stupid move, I also tried to remove it myself with an X-Acto knife.  Then, finally to top off this string of illogical decisions, I convinced myself it did not actually break off in my foot, and so I ignored it.  Until it became infected.

Like I wrote in a recent post, spending time with two year olds has made me recognize how much they remind me of my relationship with God.

Sometimes when it comes to sin in my life I run to my Heavenly Father and ask him to take it out.  Other times, I am like a two year old with a splinter (or a stubborn adult with a nail in her foot).  I might try to "be good" on my own or simply ignore the problem altogether.

Unfortunately, without God working in my life, sin doesn't make its way out like a splinter sometimes does.  If I'm not following after Jesus, ignoring what is ugly in my life just makes the ugly thing worse, and the infection spreads.

Sometimes I want to think about how Jesus brings me peace and how God has a plan to redeem his  creation, but I forget that restoring what is broken means extracting what is evil or shameful or broken in us.  And I can't cradle it to my chest and turn from God.  I need to turn to him and trust him.  That is what repentance is all about, turning from sin and turning to Jesus because he alone has the power to heal us, to save us.

In case you were wondering how the splinter story ends...  Charlie's dad came home and took the splinters out because after all, good fathers take care of things like that.

"Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."  Philippians 1:6

"Repent then, and turn to God, so that your sins will be wiped out, that times of refreshing may come from the Lord."  Acts 3:19

Avoiding God

I usually struggle to sit down and paint because it's very hard for me to truly create art without putting my whole self into the process.  Good art comes from a place of being fully open and immersed in making it, and sometimes I just don't want to be fully immersed in anything.  It's easy to live on the surface even of my own thoughts.

Speaking of living on the surface...

Some days I avoid God.

Which is crazy because he never leaves me so I'm pretty much holding hands with someone but refusing to make eye contact or have a conversation.  So ridiculous.

But I know that God knows me so completely and sometimes I just don't want to get really deep with someone who knows me that well.  Some days I want to do the, "Good morning.  Nice weather we're having." kind of dialogue.  Sometimes I just don't want him to point to the bandage on my heart and say, "I gotta clean that wound out."  Or for him to get a close look  at the sin and pride and selfishness and fear that is still in me and hear what he has to say about it.

Have you ever had the friend who skips the small talk and starts asking the really personal questions?  Or who knows you're about to cry and asks you about it?  Well, God is totally that friend.  Sometimes I just want to be left alone. 

But he wants to transform us. Sometimes I want to put off his work of transformation in me because sometimes it hurts and sometimes I am a puddle of tears and sometimes I don't want to see the ugly things I know are there.  Sometimes I've so carefully put myself together like a Jenga tower that I know one wrong move and I'll come undone.

He wants me to spend time with him.  He wants us to spend time with him.  To be still and know that he is God.  To listen in prayer as well as speak.  To rest in his presence.  When I anticipate a real conversation I'm not in the mood for, I have a tendency to fill the silence with nervous chatter.  Some days I fill the time with busy tasks.  And now that my life has slowed down, I've become so aware of how addicted to the noise of life I've become because I no longer "need" to be busy but I still choose it.

Even still, he waits for me.

Because love is patient.



"Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.  See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting."
Psalm 139:23-24

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."

Matthew 11:28

"He says, 'Be still, and know that I am God;  I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.'"

Psalm 46:10

While Baking with a Two Year Old

I spend a lot of time with two-year olds for someone who isn't a mom.

One thing that has been very funny and interesting about spending so much time with two-year olds is how much they remind me of my relationship with God.  I cannot speak for everyone, but oftentimes my relationship with God resembles a two-year-old girl and her dad who loves her very much.

Have you ever baked cookies with a two year old?  It's adventurous or insane or a little bit of both.  Recently, I asked my niece Emma if she could help me make chocolate chip cookies.  Her excitement told me that this idea was totally worth whatever trouble I was signing up for.  She immediately began pushing a chair over by herself to stand at the counter.  She was eager to help and wanted to follow my directions.  She tried breaking the eggs but the first egg ended up missing the bowl and then she straight up dropped the entire egg shell in the cookie mixture.  She was just SO EXCITED that whenever I wasn't actively engaging her with a task she took initiative.  She tried scooping more sugar by herself into the mixing bowl or sticking her freshly-licked fingers back in the cookie dough.

I was constantly finding ways to include her while simultaneously cleaning up the mess and keeping her from falling off the chair.  She couldn't read the recipe or measure the ingredients.  It took twice as much time for us to make and made twice as much of a mess.  Still, when her mom tried the first cookie warm from the oven, Emma proudly proclaimed, "me and Auntie Eri made these."  And she was right, and I got to share a memory of my life with a little girl I love very much.

I had once described to a friend that I feel like living life for God probably looks more like a little kid baking with her dad.  (Even though I've never actually baked with my dad.). I explained how just like baking with a small child, God doesn't need us and could do it faster and with less of a mess but he wants to include us in his plan and enjoys it.  He will make sure that the cookies come out right.  We cannot mess up his plan even if we mess up.  Let's face it, we just aren't that powerful.

Recently, I heard a sermon that made a similar analogy of a toddler going to work with his dad who was a chief architect and builder of the most magnificent sky scraper ever seen.  The toddler brings his toy hammer and begins to hammer at the structure, and the father is overjoyed to have the child he loves spend the day with him.

It's easy to read metaphors like those and think that the point is what we do is pointless.  But the real point is: you are loved and valued by God like a loving parent values his or her own child.  He takes delight in you and wants to spend time with you.  He wants you to share in his plan to love people and draw them closer to himself.

He invites us in.
To spend time with him.
To join in his work.
To be his child.

"See what great love our Father has lavished on us that we should become children of God..."
-1 John 3:1

In a world where we strive to define our identity, God reminds us that he created us and  calls us his beloved children.

Fear and Faith and Climbing Rock Walls

The news is full of people who are acting out of fear.  History has shown us that fear is perhaps the most dangerous wildfire of the human heart and is the cause of so many evils.  FDR very aptly said that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself.  And the Bible says perfect love drives out fear. (1John 4:18)

But fear is a natural part of being human.  And faith in Jesus is believing that we can trust in an all-loving and all-powerful God beyond every fear.  I was a cautious kid, a fearful kid.  I was worried about adult problems even as a small child.  Walking with Jesus, however, has taught me and continues to teach me to live a life that is no longer controlled by fear.

I even try to overcome small fears in my life, such as my fear of heights.  I never went on Ferris wheels as a child and I still feel like I'm going to fall when I snorkel in deep water.  In the past few years, rock climbing has become a way for me to have some victory over that fear but even getting to the top of the shortest walls leaves me shaky.

This summer I went rock climbing one day with a friend and we decided to climb the wall with an added challenge.  He chose to climb without using his left hand.  I chose to climb with my eyes closed.


The strangest thing about that climb was not actually the fact that my eyes were closed.  The strangest thing was something I didn't expect- I was calmer than I had ever been while rock climbing.  Without seeing anything, I only existed in my current place on the wall.  I had no idea how far I had climbed or how much further I had to climb.  I focused on one move at a time and focused on how my body distributed it's weight to allow for the next move.  I trusted my friend to belay me even if I slipped or fell or made a wrong move.

Later, in prayer, God reminded me of this experience and how it mirrors my life right now.  I only exist in my current place on the wall and I cannot even fathom what lies ahead.  Sometimes I want God to show me what comes next, but maybe the height of it would seem too high.  Maybe it would scare me to see it.  Maybe I would try to control things too much or even seek a different route.  I know he is asking me, "Do you trust me?"  And if I trust a friend to keep me from falling off a wall, how much more can I trust Jesus with my life?  And so I enter this time of preparation.  Even the act of trusting in Jesus is a preparation.  But I can so easily cry out that I don't even know what I'm preparing for or that my life doesn't look how I wanted it to look at 30 years old or everyone keeps asking me what's next.  I mean that's a good question.  I did just quit my full time job/career and move in with my parents without a plan.  The honest answer is: I don't know, but I trust the One who knows.  And I'm not afraid... Most of the time.

"So do not fear, for I am with you.  Do not be dismayed for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you;  I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."
Isaiah 41:10

If Only

Devotional: 
‘Sir,’ they said, ‘always give us this bread.’  Then Jesus declared, ‘I am the bread of life. Whoever comes to me will never go hungry, and whoever believes in me will never be thirsty.’
John 6:34-35

It is easy to get caught in the trap of "if only."  Everyone does it.  We all have an "if only" that creeps into our thoughts from time to time.  We all have an idea of how our life could be better if only something was different.  Sometimes these are conscious thoughts, but oftentimes they are unconscious beliefs that have some control over us.  For some of us who are single, we can catch ourselves thinking we would be satisfied if only we could find someone to share our lives with.  Or maybe you're thinking life would be simpler and living your faith would be easier if only you were different or if only your life was different: if only you were physically healthy, if only you were straight, if only you were thinner, if only you had grown up with a dad, if only you had more money...

As humans, it is completely natural to desire good things in life, but when we believe that life is incomplete without our "if only" being fulfilled, we have forgotten that God is enough and Jesus alone can satisfy us.  All good things come from God and should stir our hearts to worship Him, but our lives are made complete in Him and only in Him.  Honestly, if God were to fulfill your deepest "if only," there would creep in a different "if only" soon enough.  As St. Augustine said, "Our hearts are restless until they rest in You."  Indeed, Jesus is the bread of life, and all of us who come to Him will never go hungry.

Random thought:  I wonder if Jesus had walked the streets of Port au Prince if he would have said he was the rice and beans of life.

Challenge:  Look at your schedule for the next week or month and choose a day or evening that you can block off in order to spend time with God and God alone.  Treat it like a serious commitment and don't double book.  Try to shut down as many distractions as possible.  Spend that time getting to know the God who alone satisfies your restless heart through prayer, scripture, nature, worship, etc.

Love and Lust...

Ok this is another excerpt from a devotional I wrote a few months ago:

God created us male and female.

One of the greatest struggles in our world today is attempting to see people, men and women, as God desires us to see them.  God created humans in His own image, male and female he created them.

When we are pursuing purity, we are able to see all people as created in God's image, and we experience FREEDOM in how we relate to both men and women.  As people living in a fallen world, we have no ability to purify our own hearts but must rely on God to purify our hearts.  Why? So we can be free to love people as God intended.

I have learned that the fight for freedom, the fight for purity is not a one-time event, but a constant submission, marked by failures and challenges, a daily prayer of, "Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me." (Psalm 51:10)

We are meant to CELEBRATE the gift of God creating us male and female.  Lust is perhaps the greatest destroyer of this.  We must fight and pray to see one another with love and not lust.

I think we mistakenly think of lust as a synonym for sexual desire, but lust is actually only a selfish and self-gratifying sexual desire.  Sexual desire is good, created by God, a gift to be enjoyed and meant to express love in marriage.

Love = GIVING of oneself for the other's good
Lust = TAKING from a person, using a person, viewing a person as a means to one's own gratification

This is why lust causes so much shame and damage to a person and to relationships.

God desires us to be free.
God desires us to love and be loved.
And he never meant for us to struggle with all of this by our own strength alone.  He meant for us to reach out to Him especially when we feel like a lost cause.

CHALLENGE:
Identify an area in your life where you struggle to see people as created in God's image.  Confess it to God today (Let's be serious, he knows anyway...) and ask God to create in you a pure heart.
Take action against this area of brokenness by taking a concrete step: Do you need to ask a friend or mentor for help? Usually keeping our struggles secret prevents them from healing.  Do you need to get rid of something in your life that incites lust?  Do you need to seek counsel to begin viewing men or women in a healthy way that honors other people and God?
Remember that God desires us to be free to love people with a pure heart, and that it is an ongoing process of seeking love, freedom, and purity daily.  It's a fight worth fighting.

Massage Therapy

Something you should know: I have a tendency to internalize stress, hold it in my body.  Nausea, teeth clenching, neck pain...

I often write blog posts when I've emerged from the struggle by God's gentle hand.  When the Lord has taught me something precious or important, when the mess subsides, and I hold His gift in my hand like a treasure.

But I got to be honest, this is not one of those blog posts. I have not emerged from the struggle. I keep telling myself to relax my jaw as I am writing this.  I keep praying (and reminding myself) "Jesus, I trust in You."  But even in this season of uncertainty, God is still teaching me about who He is and what He is doing.

 I've been praying through the decision to leave my job.  Apparently that meant my neck had to freeze up for a couple months.  Some days I had to twist at the waist when I was approaching an intersection because turning my head would send shooting pain down my neck and back.  Sleeping has been a project of pillows and propping and angles.

A few weeks ago, I decided to cash in a gift certificate for a massage.

Let's say, for this story, that my massage therapist's name was Rick.  I didn't even need to tell Rick what was wrong with me.  He could feel it in my back, in my neck, the tension, the tightness, the knots, the parts that aggravated me the most.  The stress.  Apparently my body could tell the story.

Rick would bend my neck so that my ear was moving toward my shoulder, while his hand put pressure on my other shoulder, elongating, stretching.  It hurt!  I'm not sure why I thought a massage would be relaxing because it wasn't.  It was painful with only brief moments of relief.

As he pushed my ear toward my shoulder, I realized I was resisting this, making his job harder.  I was pushing back against his hand, fighting against his pushing and stretching of my neck.  It felt instinctual, to resist someone causing pain.  I feared getting hurt worse than I already was.  I didn't know this man, his record, his credentials.  I was putting a lot of trust that he knew what he was doing with my body.  I had to talk myself into letting my neck and shoulders be moved as Rick moved them, stretched as Rick stretched them.  I prayed and I stopped fighting.

I was reminded later of this experience and how it was a physical picture of what God seems to be doing in my life right now.  I can feel God stretching me in parts of my life and parts of my faith like he has never before.  I am stepping into the unknown with more questions than answers.




When I first thought God might be calling me to this, I pushed against it in fear and pain and self-protection.  In the past year, I've felt let down and heartbroken, and weary and hurt.  I was afraid to feel even more vulnerable, even more pain.  I was sure if God tried to stretch me now, my neck might snap.  So I held my neck up in resistance to His hand.

But the difference between massage therapist Rick and God is that I know enough about God to trust Him completely.  Why is it still so difficult?  Why do I resist His work in me?

Still, I know that if massage-hands-Ricky can know what my neck needs without me saying a word, the God who created me and holds all wisdom surely knows what I need.  He is infinitely good.  He loves me as His daughter.  He is all-powerful and in control.  He is faithful.  I know His credentials, and I have no reason to fear.  So I can let him stretch me, mold me, shape me, change me.  I can surrender.  I can walk forward in faith even though I cannot see what lies ahead.  He offers us this freedom!

Any pain in the process is for my good.  He is just working out the knots.
Let our lives be in Your hands Lord.  And there is no better place to be.

Does the clay say to the potter, 'What are you making?'
Isaiah 45:9

Good

A couple months ago, someone asked me to write some devotionals.  I've decided to revise them a little into my upcoming posts.

In preparing for my first assignment, I asked my friend D what was one thing God has taught her through being single.  She hit me with this verse:

"For the Lord God is a sun and shield; the Lord bestows favor and honor; no good thing does he withhold from those whose walk is blameless. Lord Almighty, blessed is the one who trusts in you."
Psalm 84:11-12

She explained that she learned that God doesn't withhold good things from His people.  He sees all things and knows what is good for us and what will be good for us.

If you asked me, I would say I believe that God is good.  Yet the root of my worry, my impatience, and even much of my sin lies in my struggle to not only assent to a good God in thought but also believe and trust in this with my whole being.

When we experience anxiety about our present, worry about our future; when we experience frustration or despair that our lives look different than we imagined they would, or even wrestle with the command to abstain from sins such as envy or sexual immorality, we have lost sight of God's goodness and God's love for us.

I have found that I need to be reminded that God's plans for me are not only good but supremely good.

When Eve sinned in the Garden, she first believed the lies that the enemy told her that God was withholding something good from her.  He told her that eating the fruit would not bring death but something good that God did not want her to have.  She doubted God's very character: God's perfect goodness.  She doubted His perfect love for her, and so she tried to grasp at what she thought she was missing.

Don't we do that too?  It is as if God is taking us to a 5-course feast at the best restaurant in the world but on the way, when the drive seems long and unknown, we doubt that God is taking us anywhere good at all.  We opt out for the McDonald's drive-thru, scraping together our spare change for the dollar menu.

We either spend our time in fear and worry about our future or grasp for what we think will bring us joy instead of trusting in the goodness of our Father.

So much of being single for me is trusting in God's timing, God's goodness, and God's plans for my life, but it is easier said than done.  Sometimes, when doubts creep in, I need to speak words that affirm who I know God to be: God is good, God is faithful, God is loving.

I need to remember that God is steadfast.  He is always true to His character.  I believe that God does not have just a good plan but the best plan.  I trust that God does not withhold what he knows is good from his children.

Dear Tim Tebow and Other Adventures

I've been single for awhile now, and one thing I've learned from being single is that people love playing matchmaker.  Now I know that some people find that annoying, but I actually find it amusing, especially in my situation being a 30-year-old Christian living in Massachusetts.

If a well-meaning matchmaker-in-the-making friend pokes and prods me enough, they'll soon discover that I hope to marry a man who loves Jesus because I want to share the most important part of my life with my husband.  Now for any of you Bible-belters out there, you should know that up here in Massachusetts, a lot of people, especially my friends who don't go to church on a regular basis, think that a Jesus-loving guy is a unicorn- more the stuff of legends than of reality.  So to them, finding a Jesus-loving guy who is also single, not a priest, not drinking any Kool-Aid, yet also old enough and young enough for me is a bit crazy to them.  Nonetheless, the amazing and loving people in my life have tried their best.  I'll share with you some of my favorites.

• One of my dearest friends in the world has lamented several times that she wishes her cousin wasn't gay because we would be perfect together since he is an Episcopal priest.

• One of my second cousins, in a moment of forgetting that I was actually related to her, tried to tell me that I would be perfect for her son.

• A couple of sweet church ladies who shall remain nameless thought they found the perfect guy for me until they learned he was 50 years old, married, and had 4 children.

• A woman on a mission trip asked me if I would consider waiting for her son, who was still in high school.

But the best matchmaking attempt of all time happened several years ago.  If anyone knows my Grammy, she is both a hard core Patriots fan and a Jesus-loving woman.  We avoid visiting her when the Pats are on because she doesn't like people talking through the game.  She wears her Teddy Bruschi pin to daily mass.  You get the picture.  You can also imagine that a Patriots player who also loves Jesus would be as close to perfect as you can get in Grandma's book.  She might even let him date one of her grandbabies.

Back when the Pats signed Tim Tebow, my grandmother was sure to tell me all about it.  Just like when my friends try to talk up a guy they want me to consider, Gram was sure to talk up Tim.  She told me about what he has said about his faith and the various missionary work he has been involved with.  She even saved the newspaper article about Tim being dyslexic and called to suggest to me that I get Tim to speak at the school I work at since all my students are dyslexic too.

Shortly after, oddly enough, I met one of Tim Tebow's good friends in Haiti.  I'm not the type of person who gives a professional sports player more attention than a janitor, but for Gram's sake, I made a point to strike up a conversation about Tim just so I could tell Gram about it later.

The best thing about grandmas like mine is that they aren't going to set you up with just any single guy they know, but they'll try to set you up with the best single guy they can think of.  Grandmas like mine never think that guy is too good, too famous, or too special for their granddaughters.  No, quite the opposite.  And in a world full of well-meaning but misguided matchmakers, it is endearing and encouraging to have someone love me like that.

Thank God for good grandmas.

"I am reminded of your sincere faith, which first lived in your grandmother Lois and in your mother Eunice and, I am persuaded, now lives in you also."
2Timothy 1:5

30 hours til 30

"Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be."  -Psalm 139:16

These past few weeks, I've been reminded that every day we live is ordained by God, and only he knows how many we are given.  My friends' child was given 15 days of this life and no one took for granted one of Abel's days.  Each day was cherished.  Each day was a weighty and sacred gift.

By the time I finish this post I will have 30 hours before my 30th birthday.  I have been given many days.  I must admit, I did not cherish each day as the gift it was, but still I'm grateful for the gift of 30 years and I praise God for his love for me and his work in me and for everyday he has given me.

So in celebration of the gift, I propose my list of 30 things in the next 30 hours:

1.  Spend 1 hour outside.
2.  Spend time with at least 2 people I love.
3.  Be completely still for 3 minutes.
4.  Send 4 pieces of mail.
5.  Drive 5 minutes with the windows rolled down.
6.  6 minutes of dancing.
7.  Share 7 of my dreams and hopes with Jesus.
8.  Notice 8 small but wonderful things.
9.  Skip for 9 seconds.
10.  Sing along to 10 songs.
11.  Savor 11 bites or sips of delicious things.
12.  Spend 12 minutes in a chapel.
13.  Ask 13 questions.
14.  Read 14 verses of scripture.
15.  Say 15 kind and honest things.
16.  Learn 16 new things.
17.  Get rid of or give away 17 things.
18.  Take 18 photos.
19.  Watch 19 waves hit the shore.
20.  Give away $20 to someone.
21.  Pray for 21 people.
22.  22 minutes of painting.
23.  Draw 23 straight lines.
24. 24 deep breaths.
25.  Take a 25 minute nap.
26.  Write 26 words in my journal.
27.  27 minutes of exercise.
28.  Donate $28 to a great cause.
29.  29 minutes with all technology off.
30.  Thank God for 30 things.

Here's to ushering in 30.  I don't know the number of my days but I thank and praise God for giving me 30 years.  I'll update with any highlights from my 30 list.

Ants Have Two Stomachs

Recently, my kitchen has been invaded by ants.  Just so you know, ants totally gross me out...  more than spiders.  There's nothing that freaks me out like sitting on a patch of grass and then realizing the ground around you looks like it's moving with an entire ant city.

But oftentimes, what we fear is also something fascinating because we usually fear what we can't control or understand.  And even I have to admit, ants are fascinating.

Here are some ant facts for you to check out:  

http://antark.net/ant-facts/

Two facts about ants that I've been thinking about are: (1) they can carry burdens much bigger than themselves and (2) they feed each other.

I think about how the Bible says: "carry each other's burdens" (Galatians 6:2) and also that "I can do all this through him who gives me strength." (Philippians 4:13). Unlike some ant species, I know that I cannot lift anything 100 times my own weight on my own- neither literally or figuratively.  But I believe that God enables us to do and to carry much more by his strength.

My favorite ant fact though is that ants have two stomachs- one regular stomach and one stomach to feed other ants.  Built into their very anatomy is the responsibility of feeding each other.

Furthermore, a singular ant is almost always insignificant, but an entire group of ants can carry great things together.  So too, the family of believers can carry great things for one another.  We are surrounded by a cloud of witnesses as we run our race.  So when one of us is too weak or weary to pray, let us as a family of believers pray for him.  When one of us has moments of doubt and fear that cripples any hope for a miracle, let us hope for a miracle for her.  We are one.  We are united.  We can carry each other's burdens, we can pray each other's prayers, we can hope each other's hopes.

Perhaps the hardest part of all of this is allowing for others to carry my burdens.  Admitting when I lack faith or hope or love enough to pray big prayers for God's amazing work to be done.  Confessing my sins and weaknesses and struggles in order for people to pray with me, pray for me, and encourage me.  Realizing the moments in which I cannot feed myself and must be fed by another.  Allowing the Church, allowing God's people, to actually be my family as God intended it to be.  This is the hardest thing, but it is the most beautiful of all.

"...But God has put the body together, giving greater honor to the parts that lacked it, so that there should be no division in the body, but that its parts should have equal concern for each other.  If one part suffers, every part suffers with it.  If one part is honored, every part rejoices with it."

(1 Corinthians 12:24-26)

Suffering

I'm going to be honest here.  I know very little about the topic of suffering.  So I've included an excerpt written by a friend of mine who can speak on what suffering has meant in her life and her faith down the bottom of this post.

 I have met people who know about the world of suffering in ways I hope I never have to.  Suffering goes by many names.  Sometimes it is something we cannot hide and sometimes it is something no one can see.  But in this life, everyone has known suffering, and the world is full of it.  Suffering is not fair and it is not equal.  Some people suffer little while others seem to live a life of constant suffering.  And oftentimes, the presence of suffering in this world is the very reason that a person cannot fathom a truly loving and almighty God.

The idea that God did not create the world with suffering, that it was not part of his original and perfect design, and yet he allows it to happen is very hard for us to understand.  Sometimes we can wrap our minds around it intellectually but as soon as your friend loses a child or your sister is diagnosed with cancer, that idea gets harder and harder to swallow without choking.

Jesus came and chose to suffer, chose to endure pain, chose to die, chose shame and humiliation, chose separation from God in order to save us from eternal suffering.  ---in order to ultimately reconcile all the broken pieces of creation.


God used suffering as the means to save us, and although suffering is a result from a world broken and distorted by sin, he continues to use it, use suffering, to save us.


I have a few friends, who like Jesus, have chosen suffering, have asked God to suffer for the sake of others and for God's plan.  When I first heard a friend tell me this, my reaction was: "WHAT?! Why?!"  I realize that suffering might be part of what God has in store for me but I don't think I'll ever ASK for it.  In reality, I question whether any sane person could ask for it without being prompted by God to do so, without it being his plan first because asking for suffering goes against our very DNA as pain-avoiding and comfort-seeking creatures.

I have a friend Jacqueline who long before becoming ill, asked to suffer for the glory of God.  Now as she is navigating being a new wife and mother, she prayed that God would heal her from her illness if that is what he wants.  Her words on suffering are more profound than mine.

She recalls in her post:

I said to Father John, “I really do believe that Jesus can heal me of this disease overnight. I really do. He can do anything. But the problem is that long before I ever became really ill, I prayed that He would make me a saint. I asked to live out my purgatory on earth. And I also asked that, if He allowed it, I could suffer for the reparation of sins and the conversion of souls.”

Father John smiled wide and laughed. “Well, Saint Augustine said that if you want Jesus to answer a prayer quickly, ask Him to suffer. But, when Jesus allows suffering in our life He always does it with mercy and with love. And remember that when we ask Him to become saints, he chooses the path to get us there. He knows the best way for our soul. So, you’ve asked Him for these things, and you’ve asked Him to heal you so that you can be the best wife and mother possible. So, now, we wait. We wait to see what He does.”

(To read more of this blog post:
https://4thenarrowroad.wordpress.com/2015/10/14/it-is-well-with-my-soul/ )